TRIGGER WARNINGS: Death, bereavement, cancer.
The two months following her death were much the same, There was the funeral, followed by the flu from hell up to Christmas, then I had my own cancer scare which only got resolved in the middle of January. There wasn't time/brain space to mourn for her loss. Being totally selfish, at that point I was worrying about me and my kids and oh fuck, could it really strike twice?
Eight months on. God, is it really eight months? Nearly a year? I'm not so numb any more and I find myself being triggered by so many things.
- Cancer ads on TV. They are relentless. There is no break from them, especially breast cancer ads. I want to slap my hands over my ears and go LALALALALALA. #fuckcancer? Fucking stop shoving it in my face what I've lost (I didn't say my feelings are rational or unselfish).
- my phone contact list. I won't delete her phone number because the messages are all I have left.
- I signed up for Whatsapp. Under her name it says 'available'. I cried for hours when I first saw that.
- Her birthday. I cried most of that day too.
- Her name. It's not that common.
- Crochet. She crocheted a blanket for the grandchild she'd never see,
- Floribunda roses. Her nickname - a Brown thing.
In a way it's a relief to know that I can still cry for her, although I'd like to be able to stand in a garden centre and not weep at the roses. That will come in time. Meanwhile my garden will be full of beautiful roses in memory of my sister... if I don't kill them with my black thumb.