It's been thirty years since you died. It was 1985, and I'd just left school. Now I'm nearly 50 and I still miss you everyday.
I think of you more now than ever before. That's probably because I'm an old fart now. Also because my friends are dealing with elderly parents and the consequences of ageing. I feel sorry for the struggles they're going through and envious of all the years they had with their parents.
The thing is, they had their parents during their lives. There were so many points of my life when I needed you.
- When I stood at the train station and felt coldness in my heart. I knew you'd gone.
- When I was sacked and needed a shoulder.
- When I got married and you weren't at my side.
- When I got a great new job.
- When I did something stupid
- And again.
- And again.
- And again quite a few times. I needed you to kick me up the arse.
- When I had a miscarriage and my husband refused to come to the hospital with me.
- When I left my husband. See above.
- When I started a business and a relationship.
- When I had another miscarriage.
- When they put my baby girl in my arms I wanted you to be the first to see her.
- When my little girl stopped breathing
- And when she started again - I needed you then to tell me she'll be all right.
- When she took her first steps.
- When I needed a date-night
- When I struggled with being pregnant and having a toddler. Why did no one tell me it was so hard? That's a Mum's job.
- When my baby boy launched himself into my arms almost without the midwife's help.
- My children's first days at school, My kiddies looked so small,
- At the kids baptism
- Did I mention date-night?
- When my son cracked the back of his skull. We panicked, he was fine.
- When my nephew died. My sister needed her mum.
- When I needed advice
- When my relationship failed
- When I discovered I wasn't quite who I thought I was.
- When I started my university course
- When I got my degree. See, Mum, I did it finally.
- When my first book was published. You'd have been so proud.
- And a few more books since then
- When my sister told me she was dying. My world stopped.
- When my son needed help. I needed you then.
- When things got better
- Then my sister died - we all needed you, Mum.
I miss you, Mum. I'll never stop.